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If you’re already an awesome Cracked subscriber, click here to login. As only buzzkills like us would want to point out, some children’s books seem to intentionally traumatize kids with hard adult themes of vice and dysfunction. But those are the exception, not the rule. In this best-selling picture book, an impish boy tears apart every room in the house and runs his mother ragged. But that’s OK, because when she sees him lying there sleeping peacefully, he’s impossible not to love. From newborn through the toddler years and beyond, Mommy always finds a chance to sneak into her boy’s room, cradle him in her arms and sing a lullaby. But if he keeps peeing on the carpet, we might have to have him put down.
No, seriously, he will always be her little baby. Mommy won’t ask what that brown stuff is, even though she knows it hasn’t rained in days. For example, here: We’re past the hugging stage now, right? So maybe he’s getting a little bit old for this stealth coddling stuff, right? She washes out that catcher’s mitt and lovingly places it on her face at night.
That shirt has “fat Elvis” all over it. Well, he’s not off to a galloping start, is he? Maybe it’s time to lay off the covert cuddles. At school, he finds himself licking girls’ faces. Jesus, what would you do if he woke up right at this moment?